1. This coming Sunday is Fathers’ Day and, to save time, this year Hallmark has come out with a line of greeting cards specifically addressed to Kevin Federline.
2. Four strippers in New York were arrested this week for allegedly drugging their wealthy clients and running up exorbitant tabs on their credit cards. Begging the question, what kind of stripper takes credit cards and where does she swipe them?
3. A man arrested at actress Sandra Bullock’s Los Angeles home over the weekend was reportedly inside for more than an hour before police were called. But, considering he was watching a DVD of “Hope Floats,” I’m sure it felt like an eternity.
4. According to recently declassified documents, in 1961 a U.S. Air Force Bomber broke in half over North Carolina releasing two nuclear bombs that luckily didn’t explode when they hit the ground. Are your sure they didn’t explode and you’re not confusing North Carolina with Louisiana?
5. According to a state-run newspaper, Kim Jong Un has been touring North Korean meteorological facilities complaining that there are “too many incorrect” weather forecasts. Said Jong Un, “Get one more report wrong and it’ll be partly cloudy with a 100% chance of decapitation.”
6. During a speech in Chicago on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton incorrectly referred to Abraham Lincoln as a senator, not a congressman. Said Clinton, “No matter the title, my point remains, if not for Lincoln’s actions while in office, I would have been president in 2008.”
7. Texas Governor Rick Perry reportedly caused a stir Wednesday evening by comparing homosexuality to alcoholism at in event in San Francisco. Which is possibly the worst example ever of the saying “know your audience.”
8. Lowe’s announced Wednesday that it has built a “holoroom,” which uses 3-D technology to allow customers to “walk through” a virtual floor plan of their dream-home. Said Hillary Clinton, “Well, first thing’s first, the drapes in the Oval Office have to go…”
9. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is complaining that Donald Trump has put an “architecturally tasteless” sign on the top of the city’s second tallest building. I never would have guessed a guy who looks like Trump would make a bad stylistic decision about what goes on top of something.
10. President Obama was given a clean bill of health by the White House doctor on Thursday. “What kind of lollipop did you get?” said Biden.
11. The Jamaican government has decided to decriminalize the possession of small amounts of marijuana. “Way ahead of you,” said everyone else in Jamaica.
12. On Thursday, ten designers competed for first place and $10,000 in the 10th annual toilet paper wedding dress contest held in New York City. So if you always cry at weddings, but forget to bring tissues, you’re in luck.
13. This week a Massachusetts woman gave birth to the second of her two twins twenty-four days after the first one was born. Said the second kid, “I thought he’d never leave.”
14. The federal government filed suit against a customer service provider on Wednesday over allegations the company forced employees to pray and thank God for their jobs or be fired. Which is weird because anytime I’ve ever been stuck on the phone with a customer service rep I’m 100% certain there is no God.
15. California officials plan to build a new psychiatric ward to provide impatient mental health care for prisoners on death row. Said the death-row shrink, “Now lay down while I plug in the sofa.”
16. According to a survey released on Wednesday, New Yorkers want to keep horses in Central Park, are less keen on making pet ferrets legal and fully support “you knocking it off with the questions and getting the fuck out of my way so I can get to work.”
